Kisses from Daddy

IMG_1459The jar has 540 kisses. One for each kid. Three per day for 180 days. When the jar is empty of Daddy’s Kisses, Daddy comes home.

Well that’s the happy ending we’re all looking forward to, but let’s not dance around the subject: leaving home this morning was a horrible experience. Saying goodbye to my wife and kids was absolutely heartbreaking. It was especially wrenching to see my child, who’s infamously under control, at long last unleash her emotions through inconsolable sobbing.

What’s difficult to accept is that the kids are innocent victims of circumstance. Now it’s not necessary to feel sorry for them; they’ll be all right. They (we) will get through this experience and when it’s all over our family will be as strong as ever, of this I have no doubt. But they did nothing to deserve this extraordinary stress in their lives. Most of their friends will never have to experience this kind of separation from anyone in their families, though there are a handful of military kids who “get it.”

As for me, I feel a little guilty over feeling so blue. After all, this deployment is expected to last no longer than 180 days, less than half of what most others give. How many service members have gone on multiple year-long (or more) deployments? Plus, I am headed to a comparatively safe place, not to say that I won’t take the occasional trip into a hostile fire zone. I’ve worn the uniform for nearly fourteen years now and managed to spend only seven days “downrange.” I’d say I’ve been extraordinarily lucky and have no reason to complain.

This deployment is unlike many others, however, because I’m going alone. I’m not traveling with a unit. I have no band of brothers to lean on. I am an Army of One. This is somewhat uncharted territory for a guy accustomed to the chaos and destruction of a busy house of three kids ranging in age from four to 15. As if the butt of a cosmic joke, on the flight to my training area, I had a row of seats to myself on a nearly full flight. It was as if I was Pigpen and no one wanted to sit next to me. Back at my point of departure, there were small groups of soldiers and airmen in uniform, clearly traveling together. I currently envy that camaraderie and hope that I will find it with my new unit and fellow soldiers.

As I embark on this crazy adventure, my biggest wish is that this experience is as rewarding and meaningful as my previous deployment (of only seven days) to Iraq in 2004, where the Soldiers’ Chorus of Heidelberg brought Christmas to soldiers who needed a taste of home and a reminder of what they were fighting for. I find myself considering the underlying premise of ‘Saving Private Ryan,’ questioning the worth of putting the lives of a squad of soldiers to save just one. Will the contributions I make during this deployment be worth the sacrifice of being away from home?

The answer has to be yes, and so I must work to make it so.

 

2 thoughts on “Kisses from Daddy

  1. Sir this was/is a really thoughtful sentiment! Thank you for writing it and for going! I was so fortunate that I never had to leave my kids for more than a few days or weeks….and then they left us (which of course is taking some getting used to…)

  2. I’ve been back for over a year, and I’m still not sure I did everything I could have while I was over there. I gave the Army my best and learned a lot in the process.

    Next summer’s going to be a major adjustment–we’ll PCS somewhere, but leave a kid behind for college. I have a feeling it’s going to feel like we left someone behind.

    Thanks for writing–I think you’re my only reader!

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